Sometimes You Have To Go Looking For Your Joy

If you are a faithful follower of my blog (and I hear you are having your annual meeting in a phone booth, if one can be found!) you probably know my posts have tended toward the melancholy in recent months. I know, and I regret that because I don't think of myself as a melancholy person. So it is with great pleasure that I report a distinct elevation in my mood of the moment, not due to anything chemical! I will start from the most recent pleasure and work back.

Last night we ended the current season of concerts for the Santa Cruz Foundation for the Performing Arts with a performance by the stunning piano/violin duo of Ronald Lantz and Laura Kargul. I've come to expect extraordinary musical experiences at these concerts but each time my breath is taken away by the sheer wonder of the event. Here we are, 60+ music lovers (that's the number, not the average age) seated in this incredible venue (always a unique and wonderful place...this time at the historic Walker Ranch), often far off the beaten path, when suddenly a musician or a group, whose names are not familiar but who come with a distinguished reputation, begin to play. Last night it was the Brahms Violin Sonata #2. If I had to choose, and thankfully I do not, to hear only one sonata the rest of my life, it would be that one. I play it often on my Ipod  and it stops me in my tracks. When it was played last night I felt such deep gratitude that tears sprung to my eyes. It was so beautiful and I felt thankful that these two people were here to play it for the people gathered in this historic room; and to Christina Wilhelm whose tireless efforts have recreated this scenario over and over for six years, each event a brilliant musical surprise for those of us who love the idea of coming together with others who need it for their very souls!

Before they began to play, Laura Kargul spoke so warmly about how beautiful she thought this part of the country was (they are both from Maine where it snowed yesterday!) but also about how much they loved playing for this kind of audience...a chamber concert. Sadly, symphonies and opera audiences are fading (dying, along with budgets) and it is through the efforts of the true believers like Christina and the passionate people who can't live in a world without music that small concerts like these will keep the flame burning. I could have listened all evening but for the short time they played I felt enriched, uplifted and inspired!

Backing up to Friday and Saturday, I had enrolled some time ago in a Creative Writing Celebration at Cochise College in Sierra Vista (about 35 miles from home). Many of those who care for me have urged me to do some things for myself that nurture my spirit and fill my well. Caring for an Alzheimer's  patient, even one as highly functioning and good-spirited as Tom, is an energy-draining experience and I have seldom chosen to be away from him for more than a few hours. But I knew that this two-day workshop was calling my name, and I wanted very much to attend. In addition, we now have Dudley, a four-month old Goldendoodle puppy who we adore but who has changed life as we know it! All very complicated and I was becoming less committed to the idea of the workshop.

It was through reading some poems I had written and submitted to the workshop contest that I decided I would make it work. The woman who wrote those poems needed to get help! I could feel the hunger for some deep intellectual exchange and dialogue in every poem I had written and it was clear that this opportunity was there for a reason. So I arranged for Doggy Day Care for Dudley and convinced myself that Tom would be fine, and off I went.

It was great. I met terrific people, some writers like myself who had gotten late starts, others who have been writing and publishing for many years, and all who were generous with their time and talents and happily shared their love of the craft with me. At the end of the second day, winners of the contest were announced and, to my great surprise, I received honorable mention for one poem and second prize for another! Nice as the recognition was, however, it paled in comparison to the written critique each poem received by Charles Alexander, professor of poetry at University of Arizona and highly regarded and much-published poet. He reviewed each entry and offered comments and critique and for me, nothing could have been more exciting. He was so encouraging, and also suggested other poets whose work would be helpful to me. I take his comments with great appreciation.

So I came home feeling refreshed and refueled, ready to take on whatever is ahead for a while. Tom did fine; nothing bad happened and Dudley had a blast playing at Cate's with five dogs bigger than he is (which resulted in a very quiet evening and an early bedtime...a tired dog is a good dog!).

I have gone on and on, haven't I? Too long between blogs. Sorry! If you haven't been following my blogs on Mariashriver.com, please check them out. She is a wonderful advocate for women and for the fight against Alzheimer's Disease.

http://mariashriver.com/blog/2013/04/writing-through-the-wreckage-of-alzheimers-nancy-calhoun

Small Things = Big Changes

OK, the game of the day is this: I’ll describe what is happening and you tell me WHY!

First scenario: It is 4:30 a.m. and I am standing in the driveway of my house, in my bathrobe and fuzzy slippers, staring at a sky ablaze with stars. I am cold. And why would I be doing that?

 
Second scenario: All my plants, pillows, baskets, current magazines are piled on the dining room table and no, we are not moving. Any ideas?
 
Third scenario: I went for three days with less than four hours sleep each night and for four days without a shower. And no one in the house even noticed. Know why?

You probably guessed. I am happy to report that our home is once again completely wrecked, crazy and upside down – we have a puppy! He is 10 weeks old, a Goldendoodle named Dudley, and just about the cutest thing we’ve seen in a while. But I must admit I am reeling a bit from the total alteration of our lives that has occurred since Dudley’s arrival. I was a little worried that we were too old to take on a puppy. The jury is still out on that one, I think, but I am a bit less concerned today than I was three days ago.

I have no rugs, no plants, nothing on a low surface such as attractive decorative objects, pillows or such. I’m wondering what I will do with things as Dudley gets taller and reaches his mature weight of 45-50#. It looks like, for now, Dudley’s morning rising time is 4 a.m. but last night he didn’t bark or whine once when I put him in his crate, so I’m not complaining. Oh, and did I mention that I’m grateful for stone floors?

 
What I especially love about this little guy is his calm nature. If he is chewing a toy or napping on the floor, it doesn’t bother him if we walk out of the room or move about. He doesn’t have to be in the same room with us or have our constant attention. Love that. The training has had a good basic start at the kennel where he was born and that will make my task easier but clearly one word is the key: consistency! Mine, not his.

I learned a lot by my mistakes with previous dogs (read laziness) and I’m determined to the point of obsession to train Dudley to be the kind of dog who will be a welcome addition to our lives, not a constant problem to be solved. My life is lived close to the edge a lot of the time and I can’t deal with anything that is going to push me closer. So, I’ve been spending a lot of time outside lately and I do look like I’ve been dragged around by a dog! But so far today, Dudley has had no accidents in the house. Yea, Dudley. It’s early, of course, and we’re a long way from perfection there.

But it’s mainly for Tom that Dudley has joined us. I wish you could have seen his joyful expression at the airport when we took possession of the crate with Dudley inside. One thing I may have overestimated is the degree to which Tom will be able to participate in Dudley’s training. He’s not at all unwilling, but he can’t remember to do anything consistently. It is for the fun and comfort that he wants Dudley and that will be Job One. My need to train and teach Dudley will have to go on around Tom’s need to interrupt, his inability to remember any commands, and his own childlike qualities. Dudley doesn’t know he is going to be an unofficial therapy dog when he grows up. Right now he is pure puppy, exuberant and silly, curious and inexhaustible. But as he grows, I think he will be a great companion for Tom.

  
Let me just say how much I have appreciated the kind words and loving thoughts from so many of you during the past four months since we lost our precious dogs, Gracie and Alfie. It helped us through the sadness but the feelings of loss will stay in our hearts forever. What finally becomes clear is that you know when you are ready for the one thing that gets you through the grief – another dog to love.

 

Things That Do Not Disappoint

I am disappointed in myself when I realize how long it has been since I have posted a blog here. Oh, I know. And you know too. I have reasons. Excuses, even. Be that as it may, I never intended to let such a gap grow between postings. But once gone, time can't be recaptured so we're moving on here.
By the way, please don't miss my column at http://www.mariashriver.com/blog/2013/02/how-do-you-keep-the-music-playing-nancy-calhoun. Maria is a wonderful advocate for Alzheimer's research and for family support and I love being one of her guides.

It's February and if anything good can be said about that, it is that it is usually predictable. No one expects too much from February. Like today. It is gray, windy and cold. Right. For Arizona, that is. Snow is predicted, inches not feet, and odds are that it won't happen. But one morning last week it was nearly 70 and I sat blissfully on the porch, the warmth spreading through my body, as I smiled into the sun. That is February too.

So I've been thinking about those wonderful things in life that never disappoint. Here are a few from my list and I'd love to hear what some of yours are:

• YoYo Ma - The man is pure genius, and every note he plays is like the cream center of a chocolate truffle...a really expensive one.
• Any movie with Dame Judi Dench. I had hoped to look a little like her when I got to be 70 but turned out more like Maggie Smith. Oh well, she's pretty fabulous, if not pretty!
• Christmas trees
• Warm croissants and fresh-squeezed (by someone else) orange juice at about 9:30 a.m.
• A brilliantly-written book you cannot put down and an uninterrupted day (or night) to absorb it into your bloodstream.
• Lobster anything!
• A puppy who just wants to lie in your lap and do that looking-up thing.
• Brahms
• A well-prepared margarita, warm tortilla chips, delicious salsa and a beach
• A foot massage
• A great TV series that you can't get out of your mind...Breaking Bad, Doc Martin, Downton Abbey...
• Mary Oliver poetry
• Live performance in a small venue - like an SCFPA concert
• Someone you love who never needs you to explain, and vice versa.
• Shoes that look great and never hurt your feet...I mean I'll bet that would be great!
• Videos of great and grandchildren...always does it for me!

Will you share some of your favorite things that never disappoint? I hope you will.

Wouldn't it be great if life were composed only of those things? No, of course not. That's how we thought when we were children. It even seemed possible then. We learned that life is this amazing path of hills and vallies, rising and falling with what seems like capricious, sometimes vicious, cycles of events that teach us about our humanity. Always something to learn just around the next bend.

An Open Letter to President Obama

Dear President Obama: Today you have an opportunity to define your legacy. You have expressed what so many of us are feeling...that this senseless and terrible gun carnage has to stop. We've heard all the tired clichés and arguments over and over, all the constitutional so-called mandates and we all know the truth. The drafters of the U.S. constitution did not envision a world where a deranged person would murder 20 little children in their classrooms. There are legitimate uses for firearms and sportsmen/hunters need not fear for their guns. But we cannot allow this carnage to continue and pretend that we don't know how to stop it.

 

Do we need stricter law enforcement around guns? Yes. Do we need better mental health resources for troubled and sick individuals? Yes, of course. But without the easy access to guns, those precious little ones would be home with their parents tonight. And those people in the theater in Colorado would be enjoying the holidays...and Gabby Giffords would be whole and healthy...and so many, many more. It must stop!

 

This is not an unsolvable problem. It can be solved with courageous resolve. You've taken on many worthwhile but controversial issues and you have done the right thing. If you decide to help restore common sense and intelligence to this issue, you will change the future.

 

Mr. President, we know where your heart is as a parent. Please! With all respect and admiration for you, sir, you can make the difference.

Thanksgiving In Spite of a Broken Heart

 

If you have been following my blog, either here or on mariashriver.com, you know of the sadness we are feeling since losing our two precious dogs to coyotes two weeks ago.  As I approach Thanksgiving, I find myself reluctant to celebrate this particular holiday while grieving is still so fresh. How, I wonder, can we go about the normal traditions, enjoy the familiar comforts of a holiday while everything seems so profoundly changed in our house?

 

What I know is that we cannot sit around waiting to ‘get over’ this. The human spirit cannot absorb such a crushing pain and then bounce back in a few weeks or months. We are not going to get over this. We will, however, get around it, I believe, by directing our attention, more and more, to the essence of thanksgiving. Gratitude for our long list of blessings and appreciation of even the smallest joys is the key to beginning to heal. Finding a new dog to love will, of course, be important down the road. We're beginning to think about that, which is a good sign.

 

But I have begun to see evidence of healing. Yesterday, on our way to attend a concert in Nogales, AZ, we drove a route that includes some of the rare fall color that we experience in the southeast part of the state. The play of clouds, sun and shadows on the landscape was beautiful. The tears that have been so close to the surface in the past weeks, rose briefly to my eyes, triggered by gratitude for the moment. Later, as the wonderful Merling Trio began to play Vivaldi’s Autumn from Four Seasons, the emotion caught me once again, and I recognized it as thankfulness for the part music has always played in my world feeling ‘right’.

 

For me, those two things have always been key to my mental and emotional wellbeing...the wonders of the natural world and the deep love of music. In the beginning of this trauma, I wanted, no, needed to immerse myself in the sadness. I found the saddest music I could and played it on my IPod for days. (Would you believe the soundtrack from “Schindler’s List”?) Strangely, going deep into the grief is actually helpful. Denial is not. False cheerfulness is not. Sitting on the patio where Gracie and Alfie used to play and bark at the neighborhood as I listen to emotional music has been cathartic. Many tears have been shed, but I’m finding my way through this, a few small steps at a time. Tom is having a different experience from mine. Because he has no concept of time, he has been reliving the pain as though it happened yesterday, and it is all still very raw for him.

 

Above all, the feelings of gratitude for your own personal joys, no matter how small, directs your broken heart in another direction so that you can begin to get around the pain. Don’t let anyone tell you how long your grief should take, or  what form.  Nothing is more personal than the ways in which you find your own strength to deal with your life’s deepest challenges. For me, just wanting to get through a difficult period without crying all the time has been my intermediate goal. Missing the warm furry bodies and puppy kisses is not going to end for a very long time.

 

So we will do our best to enjoy and be thankful for dear friends who have invited us to their mountain cabin for a casual but warmly loving Thanksgiving. It won’t be about the food, which will be delicious, but about the friends and family who are there when you need them. Gratitude...the ultimate healer.

 

May you and your dear ones find many blessings for which to be thankful on this Thanksgiving Day.

If You've Ever Loved A Dog...

It is a stunningly beautiful fall day. The temperature is in the high 70’s, the sky a cheerful and cloudless blue, and the sun is warm on my back as I sit on the patio. In the quiet, only the honeyed song of bees can be heard. But my chest heaves in the way that it does when I have been crying and my breath catches in my throat. I am so profoundly sad that I seem to be able to do nothing but cry.

Over the past week, within three days of each other, we lost both our beloved little dogs to coyotes. On Thursday morning, Alfie, a sweet Maltese who we rescued five years ago, disappeared from just off our patio outside our bedroom door. When I say disappeared, I mean thoroughly, utterly vanished without a trace.

 

Unbelievably, on Sunday morning, in the midst of our grief over losing him, Gracie, our beautiful Havanese who we often referred to as “the Princess”, was also taken, without a sound, while twelve feet away from the door. We have to assume it was a coyote because nothing else makes sense, but we’ll never know for sure. The shock and disbelief has left us in such pain that we can do little else but think about these wonderful, loving creatures who were such a part of our lives and whose absence has left us feeling empty and hollow.

 My husband, Tom,  as many of you know, is an Alzheimer’s patient. It would be hard to overestimate the ways in which the dogs helped him to stay calm and comforted each day. Their needs were constant but uncomplicated. They required a structure and routine much the same way that Tom does, so it let him know he had a purpose. His patience and gentleness with them was so poignant to observe. We laughed about what he called his “agenda...let dogs in, let dogs out!” and I marveled at his willingness to get up and do it dozens of times a day without a sign of the exasperation I sometimes felt. He also took on the task of making sure the food and water bowls were filled. It was one thing for which he needed no reminding. Sadly, his memory of these last few days seems to be fairly distinct, though he did wake up in the night and quietly asked me “is Alfie in bed with us?” Neither of us is sleeping well.

It is no accident that nursing care facilities often welcome visits from service dogs for the welfare of their patients. Tom considered Alfie his special buddy. Since we had rescued him we had no idea how old he was, and he had clearly had a hard life before he joined ours, but he gave us such affection that we were more than thrilled to welcome him to our family. Tom’s grief is etched in his face each morning when we wake without dogs to attend to. He breaks down in tears when we walk outside to the place we last saw Gracie and Alfie, and I cannot console him. I know that there is only one thing that will help...a new dog to love. The love and interaction with a pet releases endorphins that are believed to be helpful to everyone’s mental and emotional well-being. I suspect that it will be more therapeutic than any prescription drug.

I know that there are people in our close circle of friends and family who are going through extreme and complicated personal tragedies, and the world is full of disasters that wreck lives and defy resolution. Yes, I do know that and on the scale of tragedies the loss of our precious dogs doesn’t rise to the level of most of those --  not even close. But for us, at this moment in time, our hearts ache so terribly and the loss feels so desperately permanent that it is hard to imagine breathing deeply and completely ever again. I close my eyes and I see Gracie’s beautiful face and I weep to think that I could not protect her.

When we moved to this rural area, we were well aware of the richness and variety of wildlife and have loved watching deer and birds, Javelinas and yes, even the coyotes who we see way down in the field and often hear at night. Never, in six years, had we seen them near the house and perhaps we had grown complacent. Our little 8 and 12 pound pups were tempting targets, I suppose. We used to joke that people around here had dogs that were functional, while ours were only decorative! It has been a brutal lesson, indeed.

I’m sure the time will come when we will sign on for another round of puppy love, perhaps this time with a bigger, sturdier breed. It’s hard to think about right now. There is no happy ending to having a pet. Still, Tom will not feel happy again until we open our hearts to the big brown eyes and loving kisses of another dog. And I can’t be happy unless he is! Meanwhile, I am so grateful to have had Gracie and Alfie in our lives. They made us laugh every single day and we were loved. If you’ve ever loved a dog, you understand.

5 Things to Remember When Your Family is Politically "Diverse"

It’s hard to believe it’s been four years, but here we are about to hold an election and the temperature of the debate is blistering. You probably share my frustration with dinner time robo-calls, endless TV commercials and campaigns where both sides fling sound bites at any available wall to see what will stick. Unfortunately, politics has gotten uglier as the amount of money involved has become obscene.

I can think of only one good thing about the overheated passions: it’s better than apathy. But when close friends and family disagree fervently about the candidates it is likely to incite more than just in-depth discussion. It may leave both parties shaking their heads and wondering how you could share the DNA of someone who is so obviously WRONG! I can’t shake the image of that infamous TV couple, James Carville and Mary Matalin. The ultimate in political diversity, I always wonder what life is really like in their household and what drew them together...or more importantly, what keeps them together. Is it possible that love can overcome political differences?

I am completely aware that my biases are obvious to anyone who knows me and in a debate I can defend my position with facts and logic. But I also know that my ‘facts and logic’ may be someone else’s party propaganda and slippery rhetoric. I read and listen to as much as I can to understand the back story and the truth (if there is any) in candidate positions, but almost every story can be turned upside down to justify one’s position, and when the other side twists and distorts facts it is hard to stay calm. I know there’s guilt on both sides of that coin. And don’t we all like to demonize the other side, once we’ve convinced ourselves that we are right?

So, while fully aware of my profound partisanship, I offer a couple of suggestions (slightly tongue in cheek) that might help ensure that, come the day after the election, your family is all still speaking to each other!

       1.      Elections come and go, but family is forever!

2.      Don’t imagine that you can convince anyone to change allegiance by a deluge of evidence. They already know what you know and they just don’t see it the way you do.

3.      Remember -- that person is just as certain as you are that disaster will befall the country if their man doesn’t win. No amount of sarcasm and/or condescension will change their minds, no matter how cleverly worded! 

4.      You might convince someone who is undecided, but at this point, after months and months of campaigning, anyone who is undecided probably doesn’t have a lot of passion about this election.

5.      If your guy wins, don’t gloat. If he loses, don’t pout.

 Now that all the polite and mature behavior has been discussed, one important thing remains to be said:

 

VOTE!

 
Be sure you are registered to vote. If your state demands a picture ID (and don’t EVEN get me started on that!) be sure to find out what you need to do. Get to the polls, or fill out your ballot and mail it in. Offer a ride to anyone who needs to get to the polls. Tune in and show up!

 I’m Nancy Calhoun and I approved this message!

(Re-elect President Obama!)